Moments like this are the ones I want to remember forever... the one's I hope to God I'll never forget... It's a Sunday morning, Dan is gone fishing. I'm sitting in the glider in my living room, laptop in my lap, steaming coffee mug on the table beside me, writing these words. Engaged in the thing I love most. Lukas is playing happily on his playmat beside me; kicking his arms and legs, cooing, chewing on his toys. I'm so in love with this little boy. I love being a mother more than I ever dreamed I would. In this moment, right now, I am so happy. Even with a head cold, menstrual cramps and a bad back, I am just... happy.
Part of me wants to keep life this simple and peaceful forever - to keep all of the other clutter and distractions out of my life so that I can just focus on being with Lukas. But another part of me is getting restless - the part that has spent her entire life in achievement mode, the part that burns with desire to do important work in this world.
I've been scolding myself for months for not being more ambitious - not writing more, not networking, not pursuing other interests that are important to me. Do I not value all of those things? I don't want to be one of those moms who abandons all of her personal interests the day her child is born. But the fact is: my life IS different now, and my values HAVE changed. Dramatically.
I say I want to write more, put more energy into my side hustle... so why am I not doing those things?
Because: what I truly want is to spend quality time with my family.
I want to be stress free in other areas of my life so I can devote all of my energy and attention to them. I want to spend every possible second with my precious baby. I still look at him sometimes and have to pinch myself to see if its real. I can't believe he's mine. I can't believe how incredibly lucky I am to be Lukas' mommy. Sometimes, when I go to daycare to visit him, or pick him up at the end of the day, I do a double-take when I first see him - remembering anew how incredibly blessed I am to have him in my life. And when he looks at me and smiles and giggles, or when he strains his neck just so he can see me - I feel like I'm floating on a cloud. I can't think of anything else that makes me happier.
I've waited my entire life to be a Mommy. I always knew I wanted children, but I never knew how much it would fulfill me. It makes everything else pale in comparison.
So there you have it. My real priority right now - what I truly want - is time with my son. I say I want more from my career, from my writing, from my art. But my actions just aren't supporting that right now. Eventually I'll be ready and I'll be in a place where I am willing to give what it takes of myself to pursue those things. But for now, I have a little baby boy to snuggle.
What about you? Do you constantly talk about doing All The Things, but never find any time to actually do them? Maybe the time is just not right. Maybe doing All The Things is not what you really, truly want. Maybe it's time to stop talking and let the focus be on whatever is in front of you for a minute. Because I truly believe that if we really wanted to do something, we'd get up and we'd do it.
So allow yourself to do what you really want to do and stop talking about doing something else. When it's time to do the other stuff, you won't talk about it, you'll just get it done.
So will I.
Till next time,
© Haley McManigal 2018
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