In her memoir The Rules Do Not Apply, Ariel Levy speaks of "a compulsion to thrust myself toward adventure, offset by a longing to crawl into the pouch of some benevolent kangaroo who would take me bounding, protected, through life."
Oh how I can relate to this! Back and forth. Push and pull. One step forward two steps back. The constant conflict between my fear and my ambition.
Which one will prevail?
Previously my fear won a majority of the battles. Now, it's mostly my ambition. But sometimes my fear still gets the best of me.
And when it does, I get very down. I beat myself up. You should have done better! How are you still struggling with this?! Haven't you overcome this by now? You're a grown woman, how can this still be an issue for you?!
Self doubt takes hold, and the loathing is not far behind.
And while this battle ensues inside my head, my heart now knows that this is precisely when I need to love myself most.
I am not my ambition; not my accomplishments; not my drive. Yes, there is a fire burning within me, but it is only fuel. My value does not depend on whether I am fierce and forward, whether I conquer my fears or succumb to them. I am loved either way. I am enough either way.
So are you. No amount of striving or accomplishment can make you more of a person. You are already all that you will ever need to be. You already have everything that you need. You are already enough.
Till next time,
© Haley McManigal 2017
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