God, Why Not Me?

Dan and I have been trying to have a baby for several years.  We got pregnant earlier this year, but sadly it ended in miscarriage.  This has been one of the hardest things that I have ever experienced.  I didn't want to talk about it for a very long time.  I didn't want to think about it, even thought it's all that was on my mind.  I still don't really know what to say.  But as a writer, I know that sharing my experiences, without trying to hide the pain and the suffering in life, is the most important thing that I can do; it's really the whole point.  So I am trying to do that now.

I wrote this poem to try to express some of my emotions surrounding this season of my life.  It's called God, Why Not Me? 

 

God, Why Not Me?

 

You hear my cries, my pain, my pleas.

You see my tears,

God, why not me?                                                                                            

 

The baby that would have been born this month

was never meant to be.

I lie awake at night wondering,

God, why not me?                                                                             

 

I cry the tears, I feel the pain,

I try to let them be.

And just when I think that I've moved on, they come back unexpectedly

God, why not me?

 

My husband sees and shares my pain, and tries to be strong for me,

But in his heart, in the still of the night, I know he's asking too,

God, why not me?

 

I love my friends, I cheer them on, I want them to be happy

But I can't help wondering, in the back of my mind, why them?

God, why not me?

 

Is there a purpose to this wait, 

I beg you to help me see,

beyond this want, this need, this grief,

and this constant questioning,

God, why not me?

 

Till next time,

Haley

© Haley McManigal 2015

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