Everybody's got a little crazy in them. Most of the time we can hide it, or control it. And sometimes, we may even believe that it's gone, that we've overcome it, that we are crazy-free grown-ups now. But then, suddenly it's back, rearing its ugly head.
Everybody's crazy is different. Some people get loud and emotional or angry or depressed. Some are overcome by jealousy or shame or guilt. It could be anything, but its all just crazy. My own personal crazy is more like extreme anti-crazy. Instead of acting out, I retreat inward. I can feel it happening when I'm starting to retreat, and I hate it. But there's not a damn thing in the world that I can do about it. And the more that I try to avoid it, or control it, or fix it, the worse I feel about the situation and about myself in general.
The other day, I was feeling very unsociable. I was starting to get a little crazy, I could feel myself starting to go into hiding. Then I was invited to a lunch with a group of colleagues. I love these people and normally would have welcomed the lunch invitation. But on that particular day, I knew that I would be lousy lunch company. But instead of honoring my crazy, I decided to ignore it, and I went to lunch anyway. Unfortunately my crazy came along with me. I was unable to speak during the entire lunch. I was completely checked out, even though I struggled to remain present and in tune with the conversation. I felt like one of those kids who believes that if she closes her eyes, she will be invisible. I hoped that if I just sat there and didn't say a word, that I would be invisible, that I wouldn't have to partake in the lighthearted chit-chat. I should have politely skipped the group lunch and gone somewhere that I could be alone and just zone out. But I didn't. I soldiered on, hoping that I could stop the crazy and have a normal civilized lunch. But that's just it, you cannot stop the crazy. It has a mind of its own. And that's what makes us human.
So maybe, instead of ignoring or fixing or overcoming the crazy, messed-up, unattractive, and socially unacceptable parts of ourselves, we just learn to live with them. What if we could learn to manage them, just like we manage other problems in our lives. I think that this comes with knowing ourselves, and learning to love ourselves flaws and all. It is ok to have bad days, it is ok to unleash your crazy every now and then. You have to forgive yourself. Everyone else has already forgiven you. Everyone else knows that you can be a little crazy sometimes, but they love you anyway. So it's time to love yourself.
Till next time!
© Haley McManigal 2015
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