Sometimes, I have no idea what I'm doing in life.
I wander aimlessly. I struggle with procrastination, depression, self-doubt, anxiety, and fear.
Some days, the last thing I want to do is engage with my true self and work toward fulfilling my potential and living my best life.
Some days I want to escape. I want to lounge on the couch all day eating Cheetos and watching The Real Housewives. I want to forget that I'm on a mission. I want to dampen the fire burning inside of me. I want to ignore the incessant feeling that I have important work to do.
Because that important work is also HARD work.
It's challenging, and exhausting, and uncomfortable, and emotional. It's full of sacrifice, sweat, tears, and fear. But it's also full of joy, happiness, honor, and peace.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not qualified to do that kind of work; like I can never live up to whatever the heck this thing is that I'm compelled to do.
I fear that I'll never be able to define it. I worry that this burning fire inside of me will fuel a lifetime of striving with no relief - or worse - no results.
I wonder if it will ever become clear to me exactly what my purpose here on earth is; what I'm called to do; how I can help others, make a lasting impact, and somehow make this world a better place from having been here and having done my work.
But despite the confusion and the doubt that I feel, I know that eventually, I'll pull myself up off the couch, put the Cheetos away, and turn off the Housewives drama, and I'll get back to work.
Because quitting is not an option.
Ignoring the call of my soul to become who I'm meant to be is not a risk that I'm willing to take.
So I get back out there. I think, I dream, I read, I meditate, I write, I create, I apply myself at work, I take care of myself, my relationships, and my belongings.
I show up and I participate.
I don't do all of these things perfectly. I struggle and sometimes I fail. Sometimes my weaknesses get the best of me.
But I do them anyway.
I have to believe that some sweet day it will all come together; things will fall into place, and I'll know what to do next. And even if it doesn't, even if I never understand - if things never become clear to me - at least I'll know that I showed up. I did all I could do and I gave it my best shot.
So for now, I'll just keep looking - keep experimenting, keep putting myself out there, keep trying new things and pushing myself to the boundaries of my limits. I'll keep doing things I love to do and finding pleasure in the process. I'll keep looking for ways to help others, keep an open heart and a willingness to learn. I'll keep going all-in with everything that I do and giving my life 100% so that, at the end of the day, I'm empty and I can say that I'm happy. I'm satisfied. I'm at peace with the life I have lived.
Success and failure be what they may because I have done my part.
I showed up and I gave it my all.
Till next time,
© Haley McManigal 2015
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