There are certain things in my life that I have held on to for far too long.
Friendships that aren't healthy for me. Jobs that I'm not good at. Hobbies that don't fulfill me.
I have held onto these things for various reasons, but mostly because I was afraid. I was afraid that I would not be able to replace the unhealthy friendships, so therefore it was better to hold onto the ones I had than have none at all. I was afraid that I would never find work that I loved, so I settled for work that I didn't love. I was afraid of being labeled a quitter if I didn't follow through with everything I started, even when it no longer interested or excited me.
I also thought that I was somehow doing something wrong, and that was why these things in my life weren't working. I thought I needed to change some things about myself to be a better friend to make these unhealthy friendships whole. I thought I needed more experience in my job and then maybe I would love it.
But, guess what? I wasn't doing anything wrong. No one was doing anything wrong. It wasn't the job, or the people, or the situation. I was just clinging to the wrong things. I was trying to make something work that was never meant to be. I was trying too hard to have things that were never meant for me.
In the past, I would have taken this realization as defeat. But today, I see it as such a relief.
I don't have to strive and struggle and try so hard for the things that are meant for me. They just flow. I'm not saying I don't still work hard, but it's the kind of work that doesn't feel like work.
I'm to the point in my life now that I don't have time for BS anymore. I have identified what is important to me, and I've realized that I have precious little time to devote to those few things.
This past year has been both the best and worst year of my life. I gave birth to my precious baby boy and I lost my father. I can't think of anything in life that will make you stop and realize what is truly important more than those two life-changing events.
I miss my dad so much. He was the kind of guy who went for what he believed in with all of his heart. Maybe he somehow knew he'd only have 67 short years on this earth, because he lived every one of them with passion and purpose.
I want to live more like that.
So I'm done with the FEAR. I'm done with the nonsense. I'm done with the drama. I no longer care what anyone else thinks of me and my decisions and my path. It's mine to walk, not theirs. I'll wholeheartedly support you in living your dreams, so I expect you to do the same for me. If you're not someone who I love and value in my life, then I don't care what you think. Your opinion of me doesn't define who I am anymore. It used to. A lot. But not anymore.
I'm ready to live my life on my own terms, in the way that feels most honest and true to me. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm letting go of the struggle to make things work. If I constantly feel like I need to change who I am to make a friendship or a job or a situation work, then I'm going to seriously reconsider those things and their place in my life.
I'm no longer willing to waste my precious time and energy on what is not working in my life. I choose to nurture what is working, and strengthen and build it up. I've neglected the good stuff too long, trying to make the bad stuff better. But the bad stuff doesn't get better, it just keeps demanding more and more from you until you finally realize that the only sane option is to just walk away.
So I'm letting go. I'm facing this fear that has held me back for quite some time. I've come to the point where I just don't see any other sensible way to move forward.
Who's with me?
"Be brave enough to turn away from shiny objects, and toward the light that makes them shine." Martha Beck
Till next time,
© Haley McManigal 2018
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Haley McManigal and haleymcmanigal.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.